


Mood and Feelings

by Julia_Danse



Series: The Knight and the Paladin - A series of Oneshots [21]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: F/M, Feelings, Making a Statement, Prydwen, Razor - Freeform, Self Harm, Tears, mobbing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2021-01-05 23:53:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21217121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julia_Danse/pseuds/Julia_Danse
Summary: Kathryn has a depressive episode due to false accusations against her and is hurting herself.Danse is there to talk with her.





	Mood and Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> This actually happens to me lately. I thought that I write it down to get it out of my head and maybe feel better...  
I'm sorry if someone of you is bothered by it.
> 
> The person who is making the false accusations about me is also the reason I wrote the two Nuka World Shots.

“They still keep talking...”  
“What? After all this time?”  
“Yes, they always talk. Talk about that I am a bitch, a bad person. They don’t even know me, never walked in my shoes, don’t know how I feel about all this...”  
“This has to stop. Right. Now!”  
  
Before you ask what this is all about, my time in the Brotherhood of Steel isn’t the best sometimes. I thought I had some friends in here, but it just turned out that they all are sheep. Lying sheep. Following one guy who tells them false truths about my being. Accuse me of things I didn’t do, nor have I ever done them. It’s gossip, false rumors they spread. They try to break the bond between me and my sponsor... They still think we’re friends because of a specific reason. It’s not the case. We just came to an understanding, talk about everything, may it be work-related, about food, animals, or whatever topic someone could want to talk about.  
  
I’m sitting here with my sponsor, mentor, and friend. Three titles, but all are one and the same person. He became a very good friend of mine which I trust with my life. He looks at me with sorrow in his eyes. I lazily scratch at a new scar on my arm; of course, I cut myself again... If Danse sees me scratching he doesn’t tell a thing. He knows that I find relief in hurting myself, but he also knows that talking to him helps me the same, if not even more. I often cried in his arms at times when no one was watching. And often we then looked at each other, overwhelmed by the moment, and kissed each other. For me, it felt right. For him, well... I can’t say he doesn’t enjoy those intimate moments between us. I see how he looks at me. His eyes are reading me like a book. Easy, and he always knows what’s bothering me.  
  
Today we sit at the mess on the Prydwen, we’re alone because it’s late. I still have a full plate standing in front of me, tried to eat but I couldn’t bring myself to it alone. The food’s cold and I sigh. “That’s what you get for doing your goddamn job, right?”, I ask him. His brown eyes narrow and he’s scratching his beard. He shakes his head “No it’s not. No one should get what they do to you. I’ll talk to them if you let me.” I look at him and think about his proposal. “There won’t be a difference Danse. Only more rumors and I don’t want you to put your reputation at risk. Not for me at least.” I huff out a breath. He only shakes his head, a small smile pecking the corners of his lips. “Don’t care too much about that. It is my decision what I am going to do or not. Or for whom I put my rank at risk. You’re my best friend since Cutler and I’d do more for you than you could imagine.” We both flush at his words.  
  
The scratching stops, just before my arm starts bleeding. The skin’s red and sensitive and hot. I put down my sleeve to cover the hurt flesh before I stand up and round the table to face my mentor. I really want to kiss him right now. I need him... But sadly I decided to just squeeze his shoulder and smile a wry smile at him. “Thank you Danse. For everything.” Then I leave the mess and walk to my bed. I’m tired and lonely. I wish I could walk back to him, tell him that I need him as more than just a friend. It hurts that I can’t do that either. The rumors would be spreading like a wildfire.  
  
***  
  
The razor lies comfy in its drawer. It still has the red markings of blood on it. Light is blinding it as the drawer is opened, a hand gripping at it. Slender fingers feel for its sharp edges and the blade feels the warmth of her skin. Kathryn looks at the razor in her hand, a wave of tears threatening her eyes. It hurts too much to bear any longer with it. She only asked one of the annoying soldiers to ‘_Shut it already!’ _ after he begged for the undoable. Another knight went on her after that, turning a few more against Kathryn. They cornered her, spat false accusations at her. Kathryn had to say something. Her outburst did nothing to calm even her down. _‘Thanks for letting me win the _Blame Game_ all the time.’ _She had said. And some more. They never stopped to threaten her and lastly, she got kicked out from her ‘Friends’, leaving them with screaming a big _‘FUCK YOU!’_ at them.  
  
***  
  
The razor in my hands is welcoming. An old friend who’d never let me down, makes me feel something else than what I feel right now. It hurts how they treat me and I feel the tears falling down freely. No one’s watching because either they are sleeping or still hanging out at the recreation area. I stand up and walk to the female’s bathroom where I lock the door so no one can interrupt me. I undress myself, folding my clothes neatly and put them aside. The water is hot and is burning my skin, leaving it red and hot. Almost as red as the blood, I draw from my skin as I gently navigate the razor over my exposed body. A sigh escapes my mouth as I feel my skin crack under the soft pressure of the sharp little piece of metal in my hand. Fine red lines appear on my thighs. Small droplets of blood mixed with water slide down my legs and disappear in the shower’s drain. I smile.  
  
An hour later I open the door and go back to my bed. I feel better now knowing that I still can feel physical pain and know that it’ll fade soon. Bright red lines are hidden underneath comfortable sweatpants. I sigh as I let myself fall down into my bed. Then my eyes discover an envelope lying on my nightstand, my name written on it. I know that handwriting well. It is Danse’s. _‘Maxson knows.’_ It reads. I don’t know if I should feel happy or frightened about this.  
  
First thing in the morning after I wake up is hearing the sound of the comm coming to life. Lancer Captain Kells orders each and every soldier to the observation deck. Elder Maxson has to say something. I didn’t think that it would go this fast. I get myself dressed and make my way to said location. Maxson stands at the windows watching the Commonwealth as ever, hands clasped behind his back. But I still can see how rigid he is. His jaw is working underneath his beard and I can almost hear his teeth crunch underneath the pressure.  
  
Paladin Danse is standing next to him looking at everyone showing up and after everyone turns quiet he gently puts a hand on Maxson’s shoulder and is nodding. And the Elder turns around.  
“Brothers and Sisters.”, he begins with a loud voice. “I’ve come to hear that some of you are mistreating a fellow soldier.” I swallow. “And it is my duty to inform you that all of which you say about them is wrong. I won’t tolerate that gossiping or that mistreating any longer! If I hear one word again every one of you will face restraints AND each and every one of you will have to scrape the outside hull of the Prydwen. _Is that clear_?” Maxson’s last words were like a sharp snide through the air. The soldiers around me tensed and answered in a united “Sir, yes Sir!” and then he dismissed them.  
  
All I could hear was mumbling I couldn’t make words out of. A lot of my brothers and sister were glancing at me and hissing as they walked past me, returning back to their duties or whatever. I keep standing and watch them disappear. A hand on my shoulder woke me out of my trance and I look into the face of the young elder. “Sir.”, I just say. “Paladin Danse told me about the mobbing against you. I am well aware that it is all false truths. You have to know, Knight Kay, that some of those soldiers came to me and tried to sell you as a bad soldier. Wanted me to demote you, even throw you from the flight deck. They all face punishment soon. I know that you are as dedicated as they come. I am grateful that you decided to join up with the Brotherhood and that you adapted so well. Without you, we wouldn’t have come as far as we have done lately. And I wanted to thank you for it.” His hand is squeezing my shoulder reassuringly and Maxson is nodding at me. I smile at him and say “Thank you for believing in me, Sir. It means a lot to me.” His steely eyes spark and he smiles at me before he dismisses me and the paladin standing in the background.  
  
Danse opens the door to his quarters and just as he closes the door behind me I fling myself against him in a tight embrace. “Thank you”, I whisper while he is holding me. His chest vibrates as he lets out a chuckle. “You’re welcome.” the vibration of his voice in his chest sounds like a purr in the ear I press against him and I smile. It’s been a while since I last felt good. And today I finally feel it again. Danse’s embrace is growing stronger like he is holding on me for dear life. I hear him breathe slow and deep breaths. But his heart is betraying him. The pounding in his chest grows faster and faster. I can’t stifle the laugh which bubbles up inside me and my whole body is shaking. I look up into the paladin’s face. It is a bit red while he looks at me, but there’s still a smile plastered on it. He looks good when smiling. I wish I could see it more often. The butterflies in my stomach create a whirlwind and I swallow. His hand glides up on my cheek, holding it gently while his thumb is brushing over my cheekbone and down to my lower lip. He looks deep into my eyes and I return his stare. I feel my lips part slightly while I close the gap between us. I need to feel him, want to steal the kiss I wanted to steal hours before.  
  
Our lips meet and we both close our eyes. My hands rake through his thick hair now and mess it up. His hand still lingers on my cheek while the other is placed at my back. it’s a tender moment and I feel him sigh against me. I wish this moment would last forever. I love his scent which I inhale. Ozone, power armor grease, and that musky tone of him. I memorize it deep into my brain. The feel of his hair between my fingers, the scruff of his beard, and how it makes the skin around my mouth and chin sensitive. I can’t contain the smile and it makes the kiss even sweeter.  
  
After we part we still hold each other, searching each other's eyes. “What are we?”, I whisper. “We are friends...”, Danse answers. I look away, a pang in my heart, and the pain is back. He gently pulls at my chin, makes me look at him again. “...but I hope it’ll be more than just that.” And again he embraces me with his large arms and presses me against his chest, his head resting atop of mine. Tears of joy roll down my cheeks and I smile. I look up at him, feeling how the pain is subsiding quickly. The urge to hurt my self is stilled for a while, and with him at my side, I hope it’ll never come again. Danse sighs and is rubbing my back gently. “Let them talk...”, he says. He looks down at me and smiles this goddamn smile and I mirror it. “Just let them be, be happy, be with me.” He kisses me again. “I will.”  
  
Some days have gone by, the Prydwen never look as clean as today. I stand outside at the flight deck, Elder Maxson and Paladin Danse stand beside me. We have to wear sunglasses because the morning sun reflects brightly from the hull of the vessel. Maxson is nodding his approval before he walks back inside.  
  
Danse and I are still outside, walking down into the little storage area underneath the middle part of the vessel. It is quiet here. I sit down and lean against one of the wooden crates, Danse does the same next to me. He takes my hand in his and squeezes it. “How are you today?”, he asks me. I lean my head against his shoulder and sigh. “I’m happy.”

**Author's Note:**

> To clarify again: I do not harm myself. I did years ago but gladly I got over it quickly.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


End file.
